OK, I’m going to do something weird. Over the next few days I’ll be writing short entries about events that happened in the last two weeks, sort of a time-machine-blog type of thing. It’s been suggested that I write a travelogue from the last two weeks, but I’m not going to for two reasons: first, although I visited Rachel in Seattle, and spent a week at home with my parents, for some reason I didn’t really feel like I was “traveling,” so to speak (more on this later). Second, I’m in the middle of reading Travels with Charley, a masterful, novel-length travelogue by John Steinbeck about his journeys through America, and now more than ever I feel woefully inadequate to call what I would write a “travelogue.” It’s like watching a virtuoso pianist play, then jumping up on stage and saying “now listen to me play!” while pounding out “Chopsticks.” I’ll finish my St. Louis travelogue, since that’s nearly done, but for my Washington D.C. journey in a few weeks, don’t count on a travelogue for a few weeks until my writing is no longer paralyzed with the dazzling Travels with Charley. So instead of writing a full travelogue, I will describe my experiences back in Washington with a series of blog entries. Here’s the first:
December 14 (Tuesday): The plane ride back today was more or less uneventful, although I did get to show off my Mad Airport Skillz ™ for the connecting flight from Dallas to Seattle. I was in the sixth (last) boarding group on both flights, and on the short hop from Austin to Dallas there ended up being no room in the overhead bins near my seat, so I had to store my bag a few rows away. Not wanting a repeat of the same thing on the long flight, I thought long and hard (for a few seconds, at least) about what to do. Finally, I made up my mind, took a deep breath, and entered the line before my group, while Group Five was still boarding!. Yes, I know, the shock, the horror. Anyway, that’s not where the skillz come into play. The trick in this game is to know when to get into line — wait too long, and you don’t save as much time as you could have. But jump the gun and go too early, and you’ll get to the front of the line before they called Group Six. (And yes, they were being strict about this rule. There were several announcements made about not boarding before your group). So I was standing in line, and getting closer and closer to the front, beginning to worry that I dove in too early. What was I to do? Fake a coughing fit? Pretend I couldn’t find my boarding pass? I got nervous. My eyes shifted from side to side. There was no escape route. I closed my eyes, sighed, and shuffled forward along with the line, resigned to my inevitable fate of being found out: back of the line, no boarding for you. But when I was three people back from the line, I heard the magic words: “Now boarding Group Six.” That’s right, three people back. You know, when it comes to airports I just have the skillz, and sometimes I use them to pay the billz. For thrillz.
Another amusing airport anecdote comes from the same boarding experience. On some American Airlines flights, passengers are treated to a sack lunch instead of a hot meal to save money. They cheerfully call this a “bistro” meal, which is about as appropriate as calling Kraft boxed mac ‘n’ cheese “pasta con fromaggio.” Imagine a turkey sandwich with soggy bread, greasy turkey, and no condiments whatsoever. At least it’s accompanied by a small bag of four baby carrots. But I digress. While I was waiting to board, the woman making the announcements at the gate kept adding the phrase “Please don’t forget to pick up your bistro meal” to the end of various announcements, pronounced with a very heavy “ee”. For instance: “We are now boarding first class passengers and those requiring special assistance. Please do not forget to pick up your BEEEStro meal as you board.” or “We will soon begin boarding flight (whatever) with nonstop service to Seattle. This flight will be served by a BEEEStro meal. Please do not forget to pick up your BEEEStro meal as you board.” This line was at the end of literally two-thirds of the announcements this woman made. In my head, I started to imagine it at the end of every announcement: “Mr. Robertson, please return to the north security checkpoint to retrieve an item left behind. Also, please do not forget to pick up your BEEEStro meal as you board.” “Do not be persuaded by strangers to carry unknown items in your baggage. And please don’t forget to pick up your BEEEStro meal as you board.” Anyway, since I have a weird sense of humor like this I started to crack up whenever she said the word “bistro,” or even whenever she would make an announcement. And as usual, people stared at me. This happens a lot with my sense of humor. I am weird.
One last airline comment. Upon landing the pilot always says “Flight attendants, please prepare for landing, and cross-check.” What in the world is cross-checking? I’ve heard it a million times but never known what it meant. Any smart people out there that can answer this?”
